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SPECIALIZING IN COUPLES WORK

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I have a passion for working with couples and individuals wanting to build relational acuity, exploring the intersection between healthy intimacy/sexual practices and personal empowerment. 

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Intimacy (or lack thereof) has several entry points (including self-intimacy!) and lies on a spectrum in each.  Together, we will learn how to build several types of intimacy that feels most comfortable to you both.

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Throughout our work, couples will need to agree to two things:

1. They understand that my client is the relationship, not the individuals per se. My role is the best serve the whole, while helping the parts to do the same.

2. Each person has to be committed to working on their own issues that affect the relationship-- rather than focusing on changing the other person.

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Partnered Sovereignty

Personal Sovereignty is a concept which refers to the freedom to own your own choices-- being accountable for what you think, say and do. One of the main themes of couples work with me is a concept I call "partnered sovereignty," which is the process of identifying how partners can feel connected while also feeling free.  Think about that for a minute—in your current and past relationships—have your felt free to be yourself, to ask for what you need in a way that you feel heard, to have your boundaries respected, and to do and say what you want without risk of the other withholding love?  If you are honest with yourself, have you allowed your partners the same?

 

All the Cs

Couples are always co-creating and co-regulating. Relationships provide opportunities to co-create care and compassion, curiosity, creativity, collaboration. They are also fertile ground for co-creating conflict. Couples can use the former to help resolve the latter.

   

Co-regulation refers to how emotional energy is transferred between partners. Typically, the stronger feelings (anger, hostility, fear, controlling, passive aggression, disapproval, critiquing) can shift the emotional temperature, and the communication becomes dysregulated. Each partner then becomes reactive rather than reflective. Couples can learn to co-regulate up (towards co-creation) rather than down (towards conflict).

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Compromise within a relationship ideally means that both parties feel good about leaning into what the other wants, coming to agreements that work for both, without either feelings resentment or like they are being pushed too far beyond a boundary.

          

“Breakup Prevention”—Premarital and Increasing Relational Commitment

The sooner couples decide to work together with support, the greater chance they have at decreasing the odds of  the relationship ending—or at least ending poorly.

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I am a Certified Prepare/Enrich Facilitator, which allows us to utilize a very effective online tool for assessing and then addressing the root issues in the relationship. This is particularly helpful for couples on the brink of a higher level of commitment--such as cohabitating, marriage and having children or starting a business together. 

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Divorce Discernment & Everything that Comes Next

 Sometimes the couple's work reaches a point where it is clear that one or both partners are no longer willing or able to work on their part in the relationship.  Couples have a choice to continue with new goals. 

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Using a multi-modality approach, I assist with:

• divorce discernment

• therapeutic separations

• "coherent uncoupling"

• navigating unique family structures (blended, step, extended, multi-sexuality) 

• co-parenting strategies​

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All configurations of complicated family systems are welcome!

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Coherent Uncoupling

If "conscious uncoupling" is about how to leave, my model of "coherent uncoupling" addresses how to stay before you can leave. It is not just a matter of should you stay or should you go, but how do you stay before you can go.

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It has been my experience that many people remain in relationships way beyond their romantic satisfaction expiration date. This may be due to financial  and parenting concerns, as well as myriad other complicated emotional entanglements and personal insecurities. Your well-meaning, protective friends and family will likely tell  you to leave, as if this were always the best solution to your relationship unhappiness. I know it isn't that simple, and I    want to offer you a middle ground—a way to find peace through divorce discernment, boundary-setting, therapeutic separations and, if/when the time is right, ending the relationship.

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Research shows that divorce is only problematic for children to the degree that there is conflict in the marital relationship.  My model of "coherent uncoupling" is designed to keep conflict as low as possible in relationships stuck in exhausting patterns of resentment, stonewalling, gaslighting, passive aggression, and overall contention. You can do this skill-building work of divorce readiness with your significant other or individually.  

 

Infidelity, Betrayed  Partners & Compulsive Sexual Behaviors

​I am skilled in working with infidelity caused by fractures in the relationship, sex/porn/love/fantasy addiction, and betrayed partner trauma (yes, it's a real thing!).

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 My approach to couples work includes aspects of Gottman method, the protocols taught by IITAP (Patrick &  Stephanie Carnes) and Michelle Mays "Betrayal Bind" (required reading for all of my betrayed partners!). 

 

We will do this work using my proprietary protocols for betrayed partners and sex/porn/love addicts:

• For Betrayed Partners: 
  "Red Clover Model" (RCM): 4 Rs to Realignment: Regulate, Reassure, Release, Reclaim

• For those struggling with compulsive sexual behaviors:
  "Red Trinity Model"(RTM)- 3Rs to Recovery: Regulate, Retrain, Reestablish

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Please ask about Betrayed Partner Groups and Women's Retreats! 

I have found that many betrayed partners decide to stay in the relationship, at least for a period of discernment.  This can lead to a sense of isolation: you cant feel free to talk about the multitude of intense feelings with the people in your life—because they will all have equally strong opinions about what you should do.  While usually well-intentioned, it is important that betrayed partners have the support—experience strength and hope!—from others who are or have gone through the same.

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How do I know if I am a sex/porn/love/fantasy addict:

   

Patrick Carnes et al created a screening tool called PATHOS to help assess where you are with your sexual behaviors:

                                      

1. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts? [Preoccupied]

2. Do you hide some of your sexual behavior from others? [Ashamed]

3. Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like? [Treatment]

4. Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior? [Hurt others]

5. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire? [Out of control]

6. When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards? [Sad]

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Online questionnaire specific to porn addiction*.

                   

*Please note that these are not assessment tools, but rather exploratory resources to help you determine whether or not you may need support for these issues.